COLINDALE, London — A local man’s week has been turned upside-down by the revelation that the boring movie his girlfriend is watching is actually just the first episode of an extended mini-series.
James Hunter, 26, was reportedly “devastated” by the realisation, adding that his entire week had been upturned by the news. James had made plans to use the living room TV that very afternoon, but has since had to abandon any hope of that, with the screen now sure to be held ransom for days on end.
“It’s not unusual to find her watching something when I wake up,” James told reporters, failing to hide his despair, “but usually it’s just some black and white movie, y’know; you put up with the last forty minutes, and then you’re golden. But this?”
According to sources, the realisation came a full fifteen minutes after James had taken a seat in the living room. “Very little had happened, even for one of these period piece things, so I made the mistake of asking what it was,” James said, trembling slightly. “She said ‘It’s a show called People Have a Right to Know: it’s from the 80s’ and that word “show” just hung in the air between us.”
Helen Hornets, 27, had apparently been advised to seek out the show by her father. “That’ll mean it’s political,” James reported, head in hands, “so inevitably there’ll have to be a discussion about it afterwards.” A quick Google search revealed to James that this was just the first of 9 episodes to which he would inevitably be subjected, all noted for their “stunning realism” by The Guardian. “That just means the dialogue’s boring. Oh Christ, it’s about unions!”
The show, which was presented in 4:3, seemed to James to be “a real waste” of the 60” television they were renting. “I wouldn’t mind so much,” he added, in a tone which reporters say implied nothing of the sort, “but everyone in these old shows is so fucking ugly. The past was a total dump.”
Worse news was yet to come, unfortunately. After a particularly gruelling scene about balloting regulations, Helen paused the show to visit the bathroom. “Fuck me!” James reportedly exclaimed, pointing to the progress bar at the bottom of the screen “How are these cunts are 90 minutes each?! It’s just people in hats!”
At press time, James was cancelling the rest of this week’s plans, and relaying the news to a largely unsympathetic flatmate, adding “That’s 9 films she wants me to watch, isn’t it? If you think about it.”